First of all, let me say that this is not an apology. I don’t believe in apologies for certain instances. I said what I said and meant what I said at the moment it was said. I’m not here either to tell you that someone got me out of character. That IS my character. I do not take threats from anyone. I will respond accordingly, and again I will not apologize for doing so.
This is, however, a reflection piece. I planned on doing a series of these, but I did not expect to be writing one so soon.
To get you up to speed, long story short, I was threatened online and kindly asked the person(s) to make due on that threat. It didn’t happen, as expected, though I wouldn’t be surprised if somewhere down the road I was “jumped” when they get together again as they are in separate places right now (apparently). That’s just how things (apparently) work out here.
So what am I reflecting on? My temper actually.
I have never been a passive person. I have friends and acquaintances that have always assumed I was this gentle giant (6 feet tall, 181 pounds). Truth be told, I can see why they thought this as they have never had a reason to believe otherwise. They never bothered me. There was no reason for me to be aggressive towards them.
However, that has never been me. As a child I slit chairs when I was angry, broken my sibling’s items and then my own just to make sure they couldn’t get mine either. Some days when I was mad at myself I would beat myself. In the third grade I almost got into my first fight, with a boy, over his comment on my height and had to spend lunch with my teacher for a moment. I took taekwondo to learn how to control my temper and learn discipline. I was always a pop off first, ask questions later girl.
In high school, during the arrival of facebook and death of hi5 I told a girl that if she fought me (because I laughed at an insult thrown at her) she might die. While I’m on the honesty train I plotted the death of at least five classmates. I learned, at one point, to keep quiet because you can’t exactly wish death on people despite what they’ve said to you.
From 2012 to 2017 I’ve been threatened by 8 women and 1 man, all over my opinions that I’m not allowed to have, and to this day I’ve never been in a fight despite always providing a location to be found.
I’m not stable. I cannot guarantee what will happen to anyone during an altercation because of my thoughts.
Now, after reading that, you’re probably thinking “Well shouldn’t you be reflecting on giving your opinions?” No. As long as I live in the United States of America I’ll always give my opinion. What I’m working on, is how I react to other people’s reactions to my opinion. I cannot, honestly, live a life of telling folks to “roll up” every time they get mad at what I’ve said. I can, however, ignore them and let them be mad. There isn’t a place in this world for people who cannot handle opinions. It’s not my job to babysit anyone’s feelings either.
Can I do to let things slide? Of course. Many times. Do I? Of course. Very often. Though, because I am so vocal, you’d have to be paying attention to notice the times when I do.
Someone asked me “Do you like drama?” Of course I love drama. I want to read drama, see drama and then provide commentary on it. Providing commentary period is what I want to do; inform and comment, that’s my interest. Do I like to be “in” drama? No, but that’s expected when you speak, and people feel that they are the only ones allowed to do so.
What I’ve learned about the internet is that everyone wants to have an opinion, but they don’t want other people to have one. They want to express themselves freely and openly, but you’re not allowed to do the same.
I don’t adhere to those rules, and my inability to do so, paired with my short temper and quickness to be annoyed often lands me in problems.
I’ve already said I’m not arguing with anyone with this year. I will not sit here and argue subjective topics of appearances, materialism and gossip. Did I argue with these people today? No. I repeated myself “Come hit me,” and “When are you going to hit me?” because I’m not doing the argument thing.
That will also be the last time for that (waste of time and effort. I have better things to do).
Do I know these people that are always upset with me?
On a positive note, I need to address the people that reached out to me when this nonsense was happening.
I appreciate you and I thank you.
I received messages from people that are both in my friendlist and those that aren’t. I wasn’t aware that I had so many eyes on me. I wasn’t aware that I inspired people. I didn’t know that people looked up to me. I also didn’t know that I was regarded as a public figure. My behavior had meaning, and to degrade myself by acting like a hood bumpkin was not a good look. And they were right.
Did I block anyone? Of course not. I don’t believe in that. I want people to see me rise while they plot my demise.
Because living well is the best revenge.